awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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