Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
