Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
