I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
