the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
