I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
