I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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