the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
