hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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