Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
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we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
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Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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