Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
