Me too!
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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