This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
