The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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