I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
