Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
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Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
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The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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