I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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