It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
