I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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