my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
