I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
