Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
