The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Did you pee in the oven last night??
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
