I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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