last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
