I cannot find my penis.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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