i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She's the barista slut.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize