Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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