I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize