You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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