proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
