Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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