dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
