So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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