guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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