apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
