for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
