I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
