totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
