sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
