First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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