I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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