I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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