its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
