sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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