you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Is it because I queefed?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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