I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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