i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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