Even the bartender felt bad for me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
