what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
