Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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