The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
