I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
