And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
