you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
