i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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