when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
