i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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