My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
