I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
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I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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