just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
