saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
